Who decides what something is worth? What can we put a price on? Things…sure! Easy! But can we assign worth to a person so easily?
I wonder because often times I try to determine my own worth. If worth is truly the price someone is willing to pay for something I should feel great because God was willing to pay the ultimate price by giving his son to die for me. That should be enough. But today it doesn’t feel like enough.
I wish with all my might I didn’t care what others thought of me but I do. I have always thought that I am a good people reader. I try to determine my standing in their minds. When I speak I watch for a reaction. I read body language. I try to fit in. I try hard to please. Why do I do this? I would tell anyone that God loves them and sent his son to die in their place. I would believe it. I wouldn’t doubt because I know their worth… but not mine. I can see clearly outside of myself. I would die defending someone I loved because they are priceless.
My friends and family say “I love you” and I want to believe them. Really I do… But I think…would they love me if I was always honest? If I didn’t guard my thoughts. Maybe… but maybe not…I can never be sure so I measure my words…I try to please. I try to fit in. I try to be worthy.
I would love for these thoughts and worries to be like a tv show all wrapped up in 30 min or less. To have a happy heart and a clear mind. I would love to be able to…but how? How do I put a lifetime of hurts in a neat little package? How do I believe the words I love you…how do I stop trying to be worthy?